just so everybody knows...

I kind of abandoned this blog for my tumblr, which is -WARNING- a lot more ranty than this one.

lemonscanfly.tumblr.com

silent storm

leave me staring at white walls

the fifth corner in this square room of pain

dizzy spinning thoughts

like an endless merry-go-round, shaken

to the roots of my existence -

can you hear me whimper?

or is it just an echo, emanating

from a far off ocean

in your landlocked mind?

well, its raining tears

and in the distance it's brewing up a storm

thunder, lightning, static in my heart,

but through rain-streaked windowpanes

I see you crystal clear

not for anything/one in particular. just a vague feeling I have lingering around me these days.

it's quite a mess

what is this rushed, january haste

oh, everything's been laid to waste

melt my cold december eyes

cut me - cut me back down to size

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

YOU AREN'T THE SAME TINA.

EDIT:

I will do it, even though it drives me to tears.

I will do it, even if I lose.

I am more than this.

determination

We like to cling to this conception that we're so special... I guess the human mind tends to do that. But it's the only way I can convince myself that, when Mr. Emery says I'll die under all these classes he doesn't want to let me take, I can do it; I can be the odd one out. When people say you'll crash under all the stress, I tell myself: I can be the lone survivor. (Look at my blog post below - how untrue! haha. Well at the least, it's not an easy struggle. But I still AM alive - that's what matters, right?) That despite the 15% acceptance rate of boarding schools, I can make it - given that I work hard.

But we're all the same. We all have talents but they're nothing in the greater scheme - what matters is determination. The legacy I leave will hopefully be one of hard work. Working past my physical limits - this mainly being sleep, and working past my mental limits - this mainly being my laziness. All I have to do is repeat, over and over again in my head: I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. SO JUST DO IT.

On a side note, here's a recipe for instant inspiration :)

1.) Move Along ~ All American Rejects

2.) Beauty from Pain ~ Superchick

3.) Latika's Theme ~ Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

4.) Can You Feel the Love Tonight ~ Lion King / Elton John

5.) Seasons of Love ~ Rent

6.) Stand in the Rain ~ Superchick

7.) What About Now ~ Daughtry

8.) Who I Am Hates Who I've Been ~ Relient K

&& WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOTTTT LISTEN TO SECONDHAND SERENADE. KILLS YOUR MOTIVATION LIKE NO OTHER.

untangle

lights off

ipod on full blast

i stare up into the dark

where my ceiling would be

maybe tears will come

gushing, pouring, flowing free... but

i don't know anymore

it's all a blur. i become

numb to this world

numb to my friends

i continue to dilly-dally

through this hell i've made my life

this sweet and satisfying hell

fuck

stop crying, tina

get up

pause the music

turn the lights

back

on

an ill-ventilated room... let's bake pie!

Jealousy does things to people.

your thoughts become something like this:

Damn. I want to be on Howler.

Shit. I want to be on Howler.

Fuck. I want to be on Howler.

Yep... story of my life.

Last time in 8th grade when Tanner got a higher essay score than I did, I resolved to read 50 pages a day to improve my linguistics. I'm gonna do a similar thing now.

so. to do list

x start working on journalism hard news article project

x read 5 NY Times articles a day

x write 2 articles for Howler Online over break

x figure out Shane Hughe's photography/design skillz - worthy?

x talk to Mr. Horrigan about possibilities

x improve at MY photography via Rendezvous and photoshoots

x improve at web design via Rendezvous