f a l l i n g

At home, everything has been getting on my nerves. I constantly feel like I'm one word away from punching somebody in the face. Speaking as if I were a cat - my facial expression is frozen in a snarl; I squint suspiciously through eyes in vicious slits. My mental claws are left unsheathed, itching to tear at something to let out some of the steam bottling up inside me. Well-intended questions prod at me like fleas, and I gracelessly shake them off - "stop biting me!"

>And after listening to Secondhand Serenade on loop, the insignificant ditches I get snagged in become abyssal trenches. Each song lamenting lost hopes, lost loves, lost lives only amplifies my frustration; eventually I go numb.

I don't want to move; I don't want to think. For a glimmer, I even feel like I don't want to live, but dismiss it as a silly thought. "Life is lots of fun," I try to convince myself. "I have a great life ahead of me - no: I have a great great awesomely amazing life ahead of me. Don't throw it all away." Looking back at my mind in its lowest points, I can honestly say I'm glad I never did. I guess I try to preach the love of life so much, I feel hypocritical when I start to doubt it.

But in the end... I still feel rather lousy.

I apologize for the emoness. But it had to come out.

I feel like I have to get a blog nobody knows about... ranting about this stuff on here causes unnecessary worrying... after all, I always get through. It just takes an amount of de-steaming.