deja vu

Drama is back.

//begin rant//

Oh how much I hate it. I cringe whenever I hear the word. Drama. Not freshman year again!!!
But then again, there are are the happy beginnings that may come from this, for certain people. But are they happy endings? It's high school - probably not. But it's okay, if they choose to take the risk, they assume the damage.

Drama is just something I really don't need right now. I have things to do. Places to go. I don't need this and I also don't need the shit that it inevitably brings.

Last year, people tried their chances, and they all got hurt. ALL, got hurt. Every single one. You'd think that says something.
But people, people run after this magical perception of love like no other. They call me deluded for averting my eyes. No, I'm going for the real thing, not this silly game of misconceptions we like to play in high school - no thank you. In the meantime, my education is enough to worry about. Drama, go away.

//end rant//

To those of you participating in this wild goose chase we call love,
GOOD LUCK. Really, you need it.

zombie

my zombie costume

was not fake

the circles under my eyes

were not fake

when was the last time

i've really been awake?

i can't say, i can't really say

the months blur past

and the years speed by

i've never had time

on my side

higher expectations

i'm a bully, really

i beat myself up

every day of the week

each thought carving

jagged lines in my heart

i bleed insecurity

inside, i scream

inside, i kick

crack myself open

tear myself apart

i'm crushed to a pulp between

every angry fact

every judgment passed

yet

i smile through the darkness

i laugh toward the dawn

you can't hurt me

you're just a bully, really

drift away

night sits gently on

my shoulders

the magnetic pull of sleep

nibbles on my eyes

soft glow of a smiling

moon, illuminating

page twenty-three,

eyelids and pencils fall

quietly to the floor

dreams pushed aside

it can wait, it can all wait

a soundless vacuum -

don't say a word

i quietly surrender

the anchor lifts

my mind begins to drift, free

over open seas & rushing waves,

i drown, slowly but surely

testing my balance

I feel like I'm living a neverending juggling act.

But you know what, I like juggling, so its okay.

I'm just scared I'll drop one and the whole thing will come tumbling down...

Seriously though, life has been one hell of a battle this year, against myself and time. I can never fit everything into 24 hours, and it breaks my heart to leave something out! In the meantime, I've been sacrificing sleep to make up for it. It makes me wonder: is this sustainable? Will I crumble soon? I tell myself: all you gotta keep is strong, move along, move along, just to make it through. (All-American Rejects ftw.) So I guess I'm making it through - for now, at least. I'm trying to do an impossible amount of things, equipped with only huge amounts of determination and energy. Because you can't run out of energy. Just when you thought you couldn't move a finger, you find some means to move an arm.

But on the other hand, it's extremely taxing in the long term. I'll be celebrating if I'm still alive in March.

f a l l i n g

At home, everything has been getting on my nerves. I constantly feel like I'm one word away from punching somebody in the face. Speaking as if I were a cat - my facial expression is frozen in a snarl; I squint suspiciously through eyes in vicious slits. My mental claws are left unsheathed, itching to tear at something to let out some of the steam bottling up inside me. Well-intended questions prod at me like fleas, and I gracelessly shake them off - "stop biting me!"

>And after listening to Secondhand Serenade on loop, the insignificant ditches I get snagged in become abyssal trenches. Each song lamenting lost hopes, lost loves, lost lives only amplifies my frustration; eventually I go numb.

I don't want to move; I don't want to think. For a glimmer, I even feel like I don't want to live, but dismiss it as a silly thought. "Life is lots of fun," I try to convince myself. "I have a great life ahead of me - no: I have a great great awesomely amazing life ahead of me. Don't throw it all away." Looking back at my mind in its lowest points, I can honestly say I'm glad I never did. I guess I try to preach the love of life so much, I feel hypocritical when I start to doubt it.

But in the end... I still feel rather lousy.

I apologize for the emoness. But it had to come out.

I feel like I have to get a blog nobody knows about... ranting about this stuff on here causes unnecessary worrying... after all, I always get through. It just takes an amount of de-steaming.

legos & barbies

In China, we stopped for drinks while biking in a farmland. The farmers' children were playing in the peanut-shell-and-coke-can filled river. But it seemed like they either didn't notice or didn't care, because they had a great time nonetheless. Other than children, who could do that?

When we were small, one hour felt like a vast stretch of time, but now weeks and months go by when we blink. I guess as we grow older there are more options; so many more things to do, and also so many more things we have to do. But yet, we squander time worrying about things nobody cared about when we were five or six, like where am I headed? why does this cost so much? why does she have a Gucci bag and I have a no-name-brand bag?

We become less tolerant of petty mistakes. If a five year old's white shirt turned pink in the washing machine, he might not even notice. And when real problems arise, children have the zeal to take it head on, devoid of fear or doubt or regret. They smile when something good happens, cry when something bad happens. No hidden meanings, no innuendo.

They are able to live in the moment and take every day to it's full value, measured in only one factor: fun. But that's what life is about, right? Having fun. Being happy. We lack that simplicity. Tangled in the never-ending loop of worry and work, we lose sight of what we live for.

Simplicity. by todo-el-mundo


What do you live for?