from september 24th

blue

stormy weather calls my name

tears me open like a flame

my heart is bursting at the seams

somebody! teach me how to scream

yet...

sometimes heartache says goodbye

seeing scattered sunlight through your eyes

the clouds recede but I wait one more day

I've spent my life chasing shades of grey

but morning skies are blue, so blue, so blue

that somehow, my heart finds its way

back to you

from september 10th

this is for way too many people in my life.

we're not gone yet

slanted sunlight fills my eyes

with times when I could make you smile

it breaks my heart how time flies

it's been quite a while

just wanna say: I'm still here for you

I still think about you, every day

despite all that we've been through, and

all that we've fought through

in the midst of life, we got lost

and soon our eyes no longer met

our paths touched, and turned away

but I'm not gone yet

sometimes when I lay in bed

I make a wish and close my eyes

I dream of days you chose me instead

its sad how friendships die

in the midst of life, we'll find our way

and soon our eyes'll come face to face

along the road we won't forget

true friends can't be replaced

because we're not gone yet,

we're not gone yet.

deja vu

Drama is back.

//begin rant//

Oh how much I hate it. I cringe whenever I hear the word. Drama. Not freshman year again!!!
But then again, there are are the happy beginnings that may come from this, for certain people. But are they happy endings? It's high school - probably not. But it's okay, if they choose to take the risk, they assume the damage.

Drama is just something I really don't need right now. I have things to do. Places to go. I don't need this and I also don't need the shit that it inevitably brings.

Last year, people tried their chances, and they all got hurt. ALL, got hurt. Every single one. You'd think that says something.
But people, people run after this magical perception of love like no other. They call me deluded for averting my eyes. No, I'm going for the real thing, not this silly game of misconceptions we like to play in high school - no thank you. In the meantime, my education is enough to worry about. Drama, go away.

//end rant//

To those of you participating in this wild goose chase we call love,
GOOD LUCK. Really, you need it.

zombie

my zombie costume

was not fake

the circles under my eyes

were not fake

when was the last time

i've really been awake?

i can't say, i can't really say

the months blur past

and the years speed by

i've never had time

on my side

higher expectations

i'm a bully, really

i beat myself up

every day of the week

each thought carving

jagged lines in my heart

i bleed insecurity

inside, i scream

inside, i kick

crack myself open

tear myself apart

i'm crushed to a pulp between

every angry fact

every judgment passed

yet

i smile through the darkness

i laugh toward the dawn

you can't hurt me

you're just a bully, really

drift away

night sits gently on

my shoulders

the magnetic pull of sleep

nibbles on my eyes

soft glow of a smiling

moon, illuminating

page twenty-three,

eyelids and pencils fall

quietly to the floor

dreams pushed aside

it can wait, it can all wait

a soundless vacuum -

don't say a word

i quietly surrender

the anchor lifts

my mind begins to drift, free

over open seas & rushing waves,

i drown, slowly but surely

testing my balance

I feel like I'm living a neverending juggling act.

But you know what, I like juggling, so its okay.

I'm just scared I'll drop one and the whole thing will come tumbling down...

Seriously though, life has been one hell of a battle this year, against myself and time. I can never fit everything into 24 hours, and it breaks my heart to leave something out! In the meantime, I've been sacrificing sleep to make up for it. It makes me wonder: is this sustainable? Will I crumble soon? I tell myself: all you gotta keep is strong, move along, move along, just to make it through. (All-American Rejects ftw.) So I guess I'm making it through - for now, at least. I'm trying to do an impossible amount of things, equipped with only huge amounts of determination and energy. Because you can't run out of energy. Just when you thought you couldn't move a finger, you find some means to move an arm.

But on the other hand, it's extremely taxing in the long term. I'll be celebrating if I'm still alive in March.