WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

YOU AREN'T THE SAME TINA.

EDIT:

I will do it, even though it drives me to tears.

I will do it, even if I lose.

I am more than this.

determination

We like to cling to this conception that we're so special... I guess the human mind tends to do that. But it's the only way I can convince myself that, when Mr. Emery says I'll die under all these classes he doesn't want to let me take, I can do it; I can be the odd one out. When people say you'll crash under all the stress, I tell myself: I can be the lone survivor. (Look at my blog post below - how untrue! haha. Well at the least, it's not an easy struggle. But I still AM alive - that's what matters, right?) That despite the 15% acceptance rate of boarding schools, I can make it - given that I work hard.

But we're all the same. We all have talents but they're nothing in the greater scheme - what matters is determination. The legacy I leave will hopefully be one of hard work. Working past my physical limits - this mainly being sleep, and working past my mental limits - this mainly being my laziness. All I have to do is repeat, over and over again in my head: I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. SO JUST DO IT.

On a side note, here's a recipe for instant inspiration :)

1.) Move Along ~ All American Rejects

2.) Beauty from Pain ~ Superchick

3.) Latika's Theme ~ Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

4.) Can You Feel the Love Tonight ~ Lion King / Elton John

5.) Seasons of Love ~ Rent

6.) Stand in the Rain ~ Superchick

7.) What About Now ~ Daughtry

8.) Who I Am Hates Who I've Been ~ Relient K

&& WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOTTTT LISTEN TO SECONDHAND SERENADE. KILLS YOUR MOTIVATION LIKE NO OTHER.

untangle

lights off

ipod on full blast

i stare up into the dark

where my ceiling would be

maybe tears will come

gushing, pouring, flowing free... but

i don't know anymore

it's all a blur. i become

numb to this world

numb to my friends

i continue to dilly-dally

through this hell i've made my life

this sweet and satisfying hell

fuck

stop crying, tina

get up

pause the music

turn the lights

back

on

an ill-ventilated room... let's bake pie!

Jealousy does things to people.

your thoughts become something like this:

Damn. I want to be on Howler.

Shit. I want to be on Howler.

Fuck. I want to be on Howler.

Yep... story of my life.

Last time in 8th grade when Tanner got a higher essay score than I did, I resolved to read 50 pages a day to improve my linguistics. I'm gonna do a similar thing now.

so. to do list

x start working on journalism hard news article project

x read 5 NY Times articles a day

x write 2 articles for Howler Online over break

x figure out Shane Hughe's photography/design skillz - worthy?

x talk to Mr. Horrigan about possibilities

x improve at MY photography via Rendezvous and photoshoots

x improve at web design via Rendezvous

winter break ~ game plan

22 tues: local raok-ing, photography, rendezvous site

23 wed: Hotchkiss bs essays

24 thurs: article for HowlerOnline, practice flute, brainstorm book drive, site

25 fri: Andover bs essays

26 sat: free hugs @ district!! work on site & article

27 sun: SPS bs essays

28 mon: hw & review semester for finals, work on site & article

29 tues: photo/wander/picnic

30 wed: Exeter bs essays

31 thurs: work on site & article, new years eve party @ shannon's

1 fri: Deerfield bs essays

2 sat: photoshoot, work on site & article

3 sun: review bs essays, plan coming week, relax!!

open your mouth, let words fall out

I officially spent 15 hours at speech and debate. Wow.

But, I've learned so much. (Sorry I've been listing so much recently! and my capitalization just kind of died on my whim; I don't wanna go back and correct it all.)

a) THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR HARD WORK, if you want to succeed. You can't just not practice your part and expect to magically remember it when the time comes. And when you lose, it's not your competitors; you only have yourself to blame. Really. Suck it up, Northwood, Fullerton works way harder than us. Stop hating/just being blatantly jealous/whiny.

b) PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY SIDES TO THEM... this really nice guy I was talking to before the round made it to finals with his DI about being a psychopathic nine-year-old who kills his mother - ohmygod!!!! His evil laughter sent chills down my spine!!! LITERALLY.

c) YOU HAVE TO TAKE CHANCES - and many times, good things come from them. there was this group of intense looking (most people do in suits) senior guys who kind of intimidated me at first, but I went up and talked to them and they were funny! haha.

d) DEVOTION IS ALL THA TMATTERS. if you are devoted, you will go far. talent is nothing in comparison. (this is kind of like "a"... but whatever.)

e) LOSE YOURSELF IN THE CHARACTER. you're not ACTING your character, you ARE the character. you live and breathe the character. you do not exist during the round - only your character does. (of course... it helps if you don't have to worry about remembering the next line or next sentence... note to self.)

f) I've been thinking about this one for a long, long, long, long time. when I meet people, I can pick up almost instantly this certain depth to some of them. something about them that hints at something profound beneath the surface. & it lures me in like no other. makes me curious. makes me want to get to know them, you know? (I have at least 5 people in mind at the moment!)

g) WE'RE IN THIS FOR THE EXPERIENCE. so while you want to have fun (taboo! flag football omg! ultimate frisbee! lololol), you can't forget the main reason you're here - speech and debate! I can't believe only me and one other person (Rini) wanted to stay and watch finals! Everybody else ended up leaving early. Really, you guys? What did you come for? -_-

h) IRVINIAN IS SYNONYMOUS WITH BRAT. Really. This place really shows me how bitchy and conceited we really are. (By the way, no - racist jokes aren't funny.)

i) TEACHERS CAN BE PERSONABLE. you can play card games with them, or rant about your love life to them (this wasn't me lol), or whatever. Don't come across a lot of these teachers often.

I saw a lot of amaaaaaaazing speeches! (This was a speech competition - I'd be doing debate otherwise.) Ohmygod. For Duo, I remember two of them very clearly. The Incredibles one - ohmygod. Just hilarious. There was also a lot of homosexual ambiguity, haha. Syndrome was gay. And since in duo, you're not allowed to touch your partner except in the intro, another boy-boy partner group (semi-finals) hugged very... intimately? Pelvis-to-pelvis... as Amanda would put it. And then one of the guys did the "snookums" neck thing to the other guy while hugging, with the -innocentface- expression.... memorable, to say the least. I laughed. So hard. My cheeks hurt.

So this specific tournament has actually served the purpose of making me want to enter in LD debate (what I normally do), along with an IE, at normal tournies, now that I'm acquainted with them.

In general, I've learned so much at each one of these type of things I've thrown myself into these past years - Speech and Debate tournaments, MUN conferences, football games, winterguard performances and trips, orchestras - whatever it may be, I never forget.

Thanks for another stressful though great day on Earth. (story of my life.)

you might as well wear a halo

Just letting you know, Mr. Vesely, you still sound like an angel.

The beginning of Your Call still brings tears to my eyes. (& the "and I'm tired..." part!) Every time I listen to it, I'm convinced I've never heard anything more beautiful. But I guess it doesn't hurt that I've just been in a very tear-prone mood recently. I'm going to psycho-analyze myself here. What else have I cried about, and why?

1.) ex-dance teacher/dictator not listening to me after trying to give her some constructive criticism after I quit while she simultaneously kicked me out. of course, I held my tears in until I left. [ reason: not being heard in the face of stark injustices ]

2.) reminiscing about my childhood. me and Ruby & Bukem. me and Noam. me and Yijin. me and Sol. me and Sylvie. me and Stephanie. me and Tiffany. me and Danielle & Jeri. How many of them do I still talk to? I don't even have contact for half of them - hell, for being in a war zone (Noam), I don't even know if you're alive. Every time you make a friend, you give part of yourself to them. When they leave, you feel so suddenly empty. [ losing people close to you ]

3.) Allen killed the bee. I usually don't cry this easily, but when a perfectly functional organism is fine one moment, and a stomp later, has guts and blood trailing out of it while it twitches again stuggling pitifully to stand up... and everybody else goes on like nothings happened... it just kind of feels like life has punched you in a stomach, you know? who are we to play God? [ life is too fragile. something so easily stopped still happened. people not giving a shit. ]

4.) When people keep taking all my "debates" the wrong way. I'm trying to mentally spar with you, not cut you down. I assume you all have some self esteem and won't see it as some personal attack and will be able to defend what you're saying. And then either they get pissed and walk off on me without warning, or feel inferior yourself when I am just trying to exchange my ideas and get some interesting perspectives in return. [ frustration. being misinterpreted. causing pain/anger ]

5.) Being forced to do things I don't want to do. Mainly involving me going on work overload, and then crashing, then stubbornly protesting my work. Then crying because I have to do it, due to the iron fisted school system. [ helplessness, things being out of my control ]

6.) Just because. If I wanted to, I could sit and cry all the time, and never run out of tears to cry, or things to cry about, or I can simply cry for no reason.

7.) I'm touched by things people have done for me. I remember in sixth grade, I went ice skating. I was talking to my friends, my mom was there too. I randomly blurted out "I feel like an icee! haha" just to break the silence. Then went to the bathroom. When I came back, my mom had bought an icee for me.

Improvements:

1: Stop crying and start trying harder. Crying doesn't make matters any better.

2: Always at least drop by/email/aim and say hi! Never ever cease contact. Who knows when you'll be able to see each other again. It might be sooner than you think! :)

3: Can't be helped, really. Just accept life. And then work to MAKE them care. Or they're just gonna do it again. and again.

4: be more clear and less prone to misunderstanding. make sure things are okay. ask people to express what they are feeling so they don't suddenly explode and I'm left confused.

5: Suck it up. Keep working.

6: Just don't do it! haha

7: great. now return the love. :)

my nose turns purple in absence of parsley

what is this feeling

where is it from

the noise in my brain

makes a murderous hum

the sound of my body

telling me no

but my brain has told me

where to go

two more days & two more nights -

oh, that's all that I need

till all the world's skyscrapers

can bend to their knees

so please, Tina, please

do it for me

move it

Do not fail me, Tina.

You know how much I want this A. You know how much this matters to me. You know how much I want to do well. You know how much I want to get into boarding school.

So why are you so selfish and weak that you can't even get off your lazy ass and start studying math?

You know, I love these blog posts, because in the middle I ALWAYS get a sudden burst of inspiration. Most of these posts never get through because they become drafts and never see publication. Because the whole point was to regain inspiration. And I got it! :D

Alright. Let's do this. Mathhhhhh...

Well now that I actually kind of intend to publish it, I should elaborate on my hell week.

Nothing deep here. Just plotting stuff out, half for me, half for... yeah just me. :P

Tomorrow: math test & meet with Mrs. Schneider for t-recs

Thursday: science test & meet with Mrs. Glowacki for bs essay and t-recs

Friday: history test & memorize DI like no other & holiday party

Saturday: sp&deb competition, early early morning to late late night.

Sunday: JE SUIS LIBRE!

heartstrings

When's the last time I had a complete, defenseless heart-to-heart conversation with somebody? It's been a while. But today, that shell has opened again - if only briefly. But who thought it'd be with a stranger?

All this meaningless mumbo-jumbo (stealing your word Char haha) that we go through our daily routines: "oh, the funniest thing happened today", "oh, I love that flavor!", "buy holidaygrams or else!"... they come out of our mouths and stop at the ear. Are hearts are starving for connection. Connection is key in human existence - it's the factor that determines the nature of our consciousness (ex: happy, sad) but my daily life is so devoid of it. We need this vital feeling of being anchored to this Earth, so we don't go flying off into some dream world, or vegetative state. I'm drifting. I'm drifting.

Strangers. They're like the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. Open it up, dig a little bit, and see what you find. Today I found gold. The conversation was a wake-up call - I also discovered how much my life direction has shifted in the past few years, or even months. We can talk about the past, our families, christmas lights, without being embarrassed. That takes a certain maturity. The future beyond school - once considered so far off it is irrelevant to the present... is tangible. Thick and hanging in the air.

The last part, and most important part, was mutual vulnerability. We were unafraid to put ourselves out there, to take a risk and trust that in the end we'd be at least a little bit enlightened by each other. To express ourselves.

I was talking to Jeri on Friday and she said that she learned more from experiences with real people than textbooks. A five minute encounter has given me so much, I see what you mean now.

snail without a shell

why are you so sensitive?

so vulnerable?

so easily swayed?

what is with these mood swings?

toughen up, tina.

toughen up.

we don't have time for games.

head in the clouds

our fragile hearts are bursting at the seams

our throbbing minds are spewing smoke and steam

these cold cruel nights often catch me wondering

what life is like in absence of my dreams

crushed between our aching memories

smiles have long faded as we fall down to our knees

our time is stolen from us, by homework, by sleep

for time is the only true human currency

but in darkest nights there is a star

so catch a dream, and put it in a jar

give me the strength to mend my broken heart

cause it's our dreams that make us who we are

five arms and three legs

You know, I just realized how much I multitask these days.

I walked to the kitchen, scooped out some noodles, put it in the microwave, and then while it was heating, went to the bathroom and ate my last apple slice. When I came out, it was warm and I ate it while doing homework, and while listening to music and having 6 tabs open with gmail, twitter, flickr, facebook, and blogger, while keeping a friend company on AIM. Usually, I also take a shower before all this and then do all this while my hair is drying so that when I go to sleep, my hair is dry.

Who knew you could keep track so many things at once...

cet hiver

10 things to do this winter break

1.) write bschool essays like NO OTHERRR

2.) people watch

3.) free hugs! & random acts of kindness

4.) photo a day project

5.) write something for howler online

6.) plan stuff for a massive book drive revival

7.) preparer pour mon interview (ohnon!)

8.) make my own apple cider

9.) catch up on practicing flute

10.) finally get time to use my maaagical new prismacolors!

merge left onto I-55

Okay. I finally got to know about how somebody actually genuinely feels. Somebody who usually bottles things up so that her opinions never see the light of day. It feels like she finally wiped her windows clean, so I can see through her walls. The facades she builds to "keep us all safe"... which, despite the best intention, I think only ends up hurting us, are finally gone. Or at least partly.

With this information, I finally understand. So many mistakes could have been prevented. So much pain averted. So many tears kept in the eye.

If the person is reading this, I'd like to say - thank you! Despite some things that were said about me that weren't exactly what I wanted to hear, and yes, did hurt (just a little), what I finally heard was THE TRUTH. And that is better than any sort of sugarcoated aversion, halftruth, or lie. No matter how good it makes me feel in the short term. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

For example, I noticed the same "issue" rerising several times. If you let me know after the first time, it wouldn't have happened again. And you also would've let me in on a problem I supposedly have, because I've probably been pissing a lot of other people off too. (Actually, I know for a fact that I have.) So a lot of anger could have been saved. :)

Please. Something I've always hated about our friend group is that too many things are left unsaid, too many actions left undone. This goes for more than just the one person I was initially addressing. It ends up building into huge webs of conspiracies and stress, when maybe, if we all let each other know what we really thought or felt about them or things that they did, we could be so much closer. Stop hiding - everybody has opinions, and they're nothing to be ashamed of! Don't be afraid of hurting us because you'll just end up hurting yourself AND us, when we find out. Please.

Thank you.

a house with broken shingles can't stand up to rain

I hate love. It's the only thing in this world that makes no sense.

Usually when something goes horribly awry, I can use logic and reason to bring people back from the brink, but love just has no rules. So how do you win this battle?

Well first of all, when you fight it, you're usually in denial.

When you surrender, you just have to be lucky.

Lucky that the person likes you back, that all your lucky stars are aligned and everything goes smoothly.

When they are aligned - good for you. Make it last!

When they aren't... sucks for you. Get over it! The world is full of new faces and opportunities.

Apart from Deja Vu, this is all I'm willing to address in regard to "love". It's in quotation marks because most of the time, what is referred to as love isn't even love. But that's a whole different post.

Just trying to address the situation from a more levelheaded, third person point of view, amidst all these hormoney rants and deceptions.

THIS IS NOT CHICKEN LITTLE. THE SKY IS NOT FALLING.

dissection

mr. pliers

do you see the jagged lines

where you pick me apart?

slowly, surely, quite methodically

you rip me into a mass of tissues,

jumble of organs, there's my larynx

take it, just don't take my heart -

it doesn't beat for you.

neigh.

pull the reigns

a haiku

hold on tight to life

it's quite a hell of a ride

just don't fall off yet

another time, another place

darkness and i sit

for a cup of tea

gentle pull, come closer

the world ends at the doorstep

the threads of my shirt begin to blur

rubber bands snap

stars fall

wrapping and constricting

sweep me away, take me

vague desires hang plump

from the ceiling

waiting to be picked

but

bowling balls hit the floor

the lights, oh the lights

turn on

flood the room

suffocating brightness

it's time, oh, oh no, oh no no no,

why is it time

for question number three.

tangled obligations

sometimes you just have to say no.

walk away

but always look back