you might as well wear a halo

Just letting you know, Mr. Vesely, you still sound like an angel.

The beginning of Your Call still brings tears to my eyes. (& the "and I'm tired..." part!) Every time I listen to it, I'm convinced I've never heard anything more beautiful. But I guess it doesn't hurt that I've just been in a very tear-prone mood recently. I'm going to psycho-analyze myself here. What else have I cried about, and why?

1.) ex-dance teacher/dictator not listening to me after trying to give her some constructive criticism after I quit while she simultaneously kicked me out. of course, I held my tears in until I left. [ reason: not being heard in the face of stark injustices ]

2.) reminiscing about my childhood. me and Ruby & Bukem. me and Noam. me and Yijin. me and Sol. me and Sylvie. me and Stephanie. me and Tiffany. me and Danielle & Jeri. How many of them do I still talk to? I don't even have contact for half of them - hell, for being in a war zone (Noam), I don't even know if you're alive. Every time you make a friend, you give part of yourself to them. When they leave, you feel so suddenly empty. [ losing people close to you ]

3.) Allen killed the bee. I usually don't cry this easily, but when a perfectly functional organism is fine one moment, and a stomp later, has guts and blood trailing out of it while it twitches again stuggling pitifully to stand up... and everybody else goes on like nothings happened... it just kind of feels like life has punched you in a stomach, you know? who are we to play God? [ life is too fragile. something so easily stopped still happened. people not giving a shit. ]

4.) When people keep taking all my "debates" the wrong way. I'm trying to mentally spar with you, not cut you down. I assume you all have some self esteem and won't see it as some personal attack and will be able to defend what you're saying. And then either they get pissed and walk off on me without warning, or feel inferior yourself when I am just trying to exchange my ideas and get some interesting perspectives in return. [ frustration. being misinterpreted. causing pain/anger ]

5.) Being forced to do things I don't want to do. Mainly involving me going on work overload, and then crashing, then stubbornly protesting my work. Then crying because I have to do it, due to the iron fisted school system. [ helplessness, things being out of my control ]

6.) Just because. If I wanted to, I could sit and cry all the time, and never run out of tears to cry, or things to cry about, or I can simply cry for no reason.

7.) I'm touched by things people have done for me. I remember in sixth grade, I went ice skating. I was talking to my friends, my mom was there too. I randomly blurted out "I feel like an icee! haha" just to break the silence. Then went to the bathroom. When I came back, my mom had bought an icee for me.

Improvements:

1: Stop crying and start trying harder. Crying doesn't make matters any better.

2: Always at least drop by/email/aim and say hi! Never ever cease contact. Who knows when you'll be able to see each other again. It might be sooner than you think! :)

3: Can't be helped, really. Just accept life. And then work to MAKE them care. Or they're just gonna do it again. and again.

4: be more clear and less prone to misunderstanding. make sure things are okay. ask people to express what they are feeling so they don't suddenly explode and I'm left confused.

5: Suck it up. Keep working.

6: Just don't do it! haha

7: great. now return the love. :)