-_-

people don't change, do they?

pretty words

pearlescence

evanescence

luminescence

silver

embryo

november

eloise

ephemeral

crescendo

lemon

schizophrenic

ember

dolce

lilt

umbrella

janvier (french for january)

aloe

sapphire

amethyst

emerald

crescent

serenade

cinder

ashen

cinnamon

prelude

clandestine

crimson

echo

ascension

viola

crystalline

sphere

melody

scarlet

vibrance

Maybe it's the weather, but there was something magical about these two days.

Something that made me stop on the second story overlooking the school and go "WOW. Look at all the people, mingling and moving in different directions and the patterns of their crossing, swerving, interlacing backpacks. And then - look at that sky! It's such a deep and vivid shade of blue! Look at the way the shadows cut across the crowd in a wobbly line, and the way the sun backlights the veins of all the leaves turning shades of red and orange, making them translucent in a biting contrast of red, green, and blue. How the sun strikes my skin and makes me burn with some kind of deep passion for breathing.

For once, I felt like part of the scheme of something bigger. The world at school exists between the bike racks and 1200 building. But today, I was conscious of rabbits chewing on dry yellow grass beyond those mountains, or into Starbucks where the cashier hands the customer a receipt and 2 nickels. I felt energies, whizzing in every direction. Sunlight beaming, a breeze caressing my face, humans intertwining, grass growing, mountains slowly eroding, oceans lapping against seashores, the mantle beneath me churning...

All this just makes me want to smile, want to run, want to break free of my daily routines of confinement and worry and stress. Want to lay down and just feel life flowing all around me. The same feeling that compelled me to pick up a handful of helicopter leaves and throw them up in the air, as high as I could, and just stare in amazement as they circled back down.

Something magical. Maybe it's the feeling of autumn that I've been deprived of for so long, as I mused to myself how long it'd been since I jumped in a pile of leaves, or been to an apple orchard. Something about the oblique angle of light, the whispering and crackling of leaves as the breeze skids them across the floor, something so uniquely warming. Some happy feeling that had been buried in me long ago by hot California summers.

I really don't know. But I guess that shouldn't really matter. Just savor it while it's here. :)

Autumn by hermiz [deviantart]

edumacation.

suck it up and just do it.

does anybody else see the irony?

suck it up and just do it.

we cram before tests and forget the next day

suck it up and just do it.

they tell us to sleep, then keep us up studying all night

suck it up and just do it.

we become sleep deprived, yet there's more to memorize than ever

suck it up and just do it.

endless cycle, never ending abyss, falling down, and only down

suck it up and just do it.

we might as well all be robots, we lose our humanity anyways

suck it up and just do it.

we can try to rebel, but all that ends in is academic exile

suck it up and just do it.

I guess, all we can tell ourselves is:

suck it up and just do it.

umbrella

feeling broken, feeling bruised

but they tell you to be strong

somewhere there's another sun

but rainstorms are so long...

there's darkness and there's light

there's silence and there's sound

but there is an umbrella here

raindrops don't hit the ground

said Newton: gravity is a law

but laws are to be defied

raindrops fall but dreams come true

because your tears have dried

another thought-cloud:

Barnes and Nobles coupon expires today, I need to write my anchor, science organelle project due Wednesday OHNO, I want a friendly neighbor, we need to cancel our Netflix because nobody has used it for at least 2 months already, time to register for my boarding school interview(!), finally cut my journalism interview project to 917 words, I haven't read any magazines for a few days, I'm kind of hungry, why are Americans so obese, China is rising... America is slipping... badbadbad(!), my ponytail is thin today, I wonder if I can cry on will, YAY I got an Outstanding certificate in my first MUN conference, because of that I might be able to go to the Chicago MUN trip in December, which is expensive but sounds like a lot of fun, I wonder if I like MUN or speech and debate better, it's so weird that Albert, the CEO of Cheap Irvine went to the exact same high school as I was supposed to had I stayed in Massachusetts, so it's like a sort of extended super weird coincidence of Newton, MA -> Irvine, CA, no wonder his cell phone area code was 617, I wonder if I can keep my faucet turned off since supposedly love can't be suppressed, I wonder why everybody's in such a rush, it's sad how you always get to know people as they're leaving, I wonder who's gonna be ATA junior prez, I feel bad for neglecting half of my duties to do the other, I wonder if Mrs. Sloate has read my email about not doing winterguard yet, I hope I won't have to go to PE, I WANT TO GO TO ANDOVER GODDAMMIT, I friended this Joon Buhm on facebook just so I could snoop around on his Andover-ey life, I wonder if that makes me a stalker, I want some Starbucks or boba but the TIMES article said that America needs to learn from China and save more money and damn that makes me self-righteous and determined to not spend money, I wonder if anybody's actually going to read this. I wonder why this helps so much. I can focus now! Anchortimeeeee!

persevere

no time to cry
just keeeeeeeeeep going!

a little bit of recordkeeping

I like looking back on old lifestyles... so I thought I'd immortalize mine here.

So yeah, nothing particularly meaningful today. Just a little bit of insight into my mind/life.

My usual day:

5 - 7 homework

7 - 8 get ready and bike to school

8 - 4 school & bike back

4 - 7 extracurricular crap

7 - 9 dinner / freeee!

9 - 12 homework

repeeeeeeeeaat!

As of now, I'm booked till February.

Random stuff on my mind these past few days:

Meteor shower tonight, work on getting book drive started, practicing flute for lesson on Wednesday, preparing for interview project on Thursday, MUN conference Saturday - position paper FML(!!!), DD's Sweet 16, La Primavera flute concert, journalism book project due Dec. 1st, science organelle project due same day (Dec. 1st), Adopt-a-prisoner campaign, writing my anchor paper due Dec. 7th, hi-chew sales December, boarding school interview and essay, SSAT, rest of app due Feb. 1st.

Boom. 1st semester, OVER.

More random stuff at this moment in the order they pop into my head:

broccolli, the streak of paint on my leg from painting boxes, I need to cut my nails, the plant Alessio got us is growing, shoot - I should be doing homework already, Kohna is sitting on my really awkwardly, I disagree with most animal shelters, these beads are shiny, my legs are ticklish, I need to practice flute, I haven't drawn in a long time, my MUN position paper looks like shit atm, that pizza was yummy, I want an apple, the bottom of this computer kind of burns, what's that blue thing behind the couch, what the hell is my brother is watching... I just heard STD, meebo changed layouts, I hope Kohna doesn't unsheath her claws on my leg, I want a hug, I must've jinxed myself cause Kohna just did, that light is really bright, I'm breathing pretty slow, my eyes are getting unfocused, I want sleep.

teardrops on my guitar

riht now i iz happew. fluffertail came nd fed me nummee muffinns, nd i has paint on mah leggs. but i iz also sad cuz my cat ate my knee socks. nd my friendoss all calls me titi and teeny tina and they sez just sayin' all teh time. so happe we finally have food in the housey.

erek came in my schleep

he is a rabid sangiovese kitty

with sharp bloody claws

he comes and eats my cat food

with a crunch of sharp teeth

like the coyotes

possums and raccoons

so i fall into a hole of

non-cat food despair.

storm

how words assemble at 2:30 AM

gravity pulls, lulls

my barren mind -

a desert of words

speck by speck, each

grain of sand - each phrase

assembles, entropy in reverse

rewind, pause, rewind, rewind

like static on channel nine

the winds of thought blow whichever way

suddenly -

Exclamation point!

A storm of mumble jumble

Pours out of my

fingers, like lightning!

Soon, not nearly soon enough

The sun returns, my mind comes back

Arching sanity, spray colors on

Black and white photography

I see the whole spectrum.

raw

you can't catch me

determination

eat me raw

let me at 'em, let me at 'em

stomach pounding

bloodshot eyes

no caffeine in sight

just determination,

inertia, forward, don't stop

speed, adrenaline

whoosh!

sleep is my worst enemy

sleep is my worst enemy

it sneaks up on me on light feet

pulling, lulling gently on my mind

its beckoning bedsheets make me weak

Sleep is always the first thing I throw away when my schedules get tight.

Someday, it'll come back to bite me: stunted growth, shorter lifespan... but really - what can we do? Teachers tell us to get nine hours of sleep, then the next day we pull an all-nighter to finish the homework the give, or to study for their tests. What hypocrites! But I don't even have time to elaborate, since I need to finish studying for history -- so I can get some sleep.

one last time, lets do it!

Unsure. Nervous.

This is the last time I will hold a flag and rifle and sabre, and perform.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

The weight of the situation is so heavy... it falls with a thud onto my heart and strikes rancid apprehension. Finality -- it cuts me to pieces.

It's so hard to fathom that this is real. That the practices and performances that once ruled my daily life are now things of the past. Something I'll look back on, smile on, cry on. It hurts. My mind is racing, my heartbeat won't stay still. How. How is this possible? It's not! Ohwait, yes it is. Is it?

I chose this. I chose this.

I chose to leave. It's what's best.

Like amputating a leg to stop a deadly infection. To save my sanity, I had to sacrifice something that I loved as dearly as my limb. The sleepless nights dragged on way to often. Time slipped through my fingers. I couldn't catch my breath - I didn't have time to, I was too busy running with five hundred different weights tied to my ankles. I have fallen. It's time to let one go, so I can stand back up.

It all changes now.

from september 24th

blue

stormy weather calls my name

tears me open like a flame

my heart is bursting at the seams

somebody! teach me how to scream

yet...

sometimes heartache says goodbye

seeing scattered sunlight through your eyes

the clouds recede but I wait one more day

I've spent my life chasing shades of grey

but morning skies are blue, so blue, so blue

that somehow, my heart finds its way

back to you

from september 10th

this is for way too many people in my life.

we're not gone yet

slanted sunlight fills my eyes

with times when I could make you smile

it breaks my heart how time flies

it's been quite a while

just wanna say: I'm still here for you

I still think about you, every day

despite all that we've been through, and

all that we've fought through

in the midst of life, we got lost

and soon our eyes no longer met

our paths touched, and turned away

but I'm not gone yet

sometimes when I lay in bed

I make a wish and close my eyes

I dream of days you chose me instead

its sad how friendships die

in the midst of life, we'll find our way

and soon our eyes'll come face to face

along the road we won't forget

true friends can't be replaced

because we're not gone yet,

we're not gone yet.

deja vu

Drama is back.

//begin rant//

Oh how much I hate it. I cringe whenever I hear the word. Drama. Not freshman year again!!!
But then again, there are are the happy beginnings that may come from this, for certain people. But are they happy endings? It's high school - probably not. But it's okay, if they choose to take the risk, they assume the damage.

Drama is just something I really don't need right now. I have things to do. Places to go. I don't need this and I also don't need the shit that it inevitably brings.

Last year, people tried their chances, and they all got hurt. ALL, got hurt. Every single one. You'd think that says something.
But people, people run after this magical perception of love like no other. They call me deluded for averting my eyes. No, I'm going for the real thing, not this silly game of misconceptions we like to play in high school - no thank you. In the meantime, my education is enough to worry about. Drama, go away.

//end rant//

To those of you participating in this wild goose chase we call love,
GOOD LUCK. Really, you need it.

zombie

my zombie costume

was not fake

the circles under my eyes

were not fake

when was the last time

i've really been awake?

i can't say, i can't really say

the months blur past

and the years speed by

i've never had time

on my side