WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

YOU AREN'T THE SAME TINA.

EDIT:

I will do it, even though it drives me to tears.

I will do it, even if I lose.

I am more than this.

determination

We like to cling to this conception that we're so special... I guess the human mind tends to do that. But it's the only way I can convince myself that, when Mr. Emery says I'll die under all these classes he doesn't want to let me take, I can do it; I can be the odd one out. When people say you'll crash under all the stress, I tell myself: I can be the lone survivor. (Look at my blog post below - how untrue! haha. Well at the least, it's not an easy struggle. But I still AM alive - that's what matters, right?) That despite the 15% acceptance rate of boarding schools, I can make it - given that I work hard.

But we're all the same. We all have talents but they're nothing in the greater scheme - what matters is determination. The legacy I leave will hopefully be one of hard work. Working past my physical limits - this mainly being sleep, and working past my mental limits - this mainly being my laziness. All I have to do is repeat, over and over again in my head: I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. SO JUST DO IT.

On a side note, here's a recipe for instant inspiration :)

1.) Move Along ~ All American Rejects

2.) Beauty from Pain ~ Superchick

3.) Latika's Theme ~ Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

4.) Can You Feel the Love Tonight ~ Lion King / Elton John

5.) Seasons of Love ~ Rent

6.) Stand in the Rain ~ Superchick

7.) What About Now ~ Daughtry

8.) Who I Am Hates Who I've Been ~ Relient K

&& WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOTTTT LISTEN TO SECONDHAND SERENADE. KILLS YOUR MOTIVATION LIKE NO OTHER.

untangle

lights off

ipod on full blast

i stare up into the dark

where my ceiling would be

maybe tears will come

gushing, pouring, flowing free... but

i don't know anymore

it's all a blur. i become

numb to this world

numb to my friends

i continue to dilly-dally

through this hell i've made my life

this sweet and satisfying hell

fuck

stop crying, tina

get up

pause the music

turn the lights

back

on

an ill-ventilated room... let's bake pie!

Jealousy does things to people.

your thoughts become something like this:

Damn. I want to be on Howler.

Shit. I want to be on Howler.

Fuck. I want to be on Howler.

Yep... story of my life.

Last time in 8th grade when Tanner got a higher essay score than I did, I resolved to read 50 pages a day to improve my linguistics. I'm gonna do a similar thing now.

so. to do list

x start working on journalism hard news article project

x read 5 NY Times articles a day

x write 2 articles for Howler Online over break

x figure out Shane Hughe's photography/design skillz - worthy?

x talk to Mr. Horrigan about possibilities

x improve at MY photography via Rendezvous and photoshoots

x improve at web design via Rendezvous

winter break ~ game plan

22 tues: local raok-ing, photography, rendezvous site

23 wed: Hotchkiss bs essays

24 thurs: article for HowlerOnline, practice flute, brainstorm book drive, site

25 fri: Andover bs essays

26 sat: free hugs @ district!! work on site & article

27 sun: SPS bs essays

28 mon: hw & review semester for finals, work on site & article

29 tues: photo/wander/picnic

30 wed: Exeter bs essays

31 thurs: work on site & article, new years eve party @ shannon's

1 fri: Deerfield bs essays

2 sat: photoshoot, work on site & article

3 sun: review bs essays, plan coming week, relax!!

open your mouth, let words fall out

I officially spent 15 hours at speech and debate. Wow.

But, I've learned so much. (Sorry I've been listing so much recently! and my capitalization just kind of died on my whim; I don't wanna go back and correct it all.)

a) THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR HARD WORK, if you want to succeed. You can't just not practice your part and expect to magically remember it when the time comes. And when you lose, it's not your competitors; you only have yourself to blame. Really. Suck it up, Northwood, Fullerton works way harder than us. Stop hating/just being blatantly jealous/whiny.

b) PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY SIDES TO THEM... this really nice guy I was talking to before the round made it to finals with his DI about being a psychopathic nine-year-old who kills his mother - ohmygod!!!! His evil laughter sent chills down my spine!!! LITERALLY.

c) YOU HAVE TO TAKE CHANCES - and many times, good things come from them. there was this group of intense looking (most people do in suits) senior guys who kind of intimidated me at first, but I went up and talked to them and they were funny! haha.

d) DEVOTION IS ALL THA TMATTERS. if you are devoted, you will go far. talent is nothing in comparison. (this is kind of like "a"... but whatever.)

e) LOSE YOURSELF IN THE CHARACTER. you're not ACTING your character, you ARE the character. you live and breathe the character. you do not exist during the round - only your character does. (of course... it helps if you don't have to worry about remembering the next line or next sentence... note to self.)

f) I've been thinking about this one for a long, long, long, long time. when I meet people, I can pick up almost instantly this certain depth to some of them. something about them that hints at something profound beneath the surface. & it lures me in like no other. makes me curious. makes me want to get to know them, you know? (I have at least 5 people in mind at the moment!)

g) WE'RE IN THIS FOR THE EXPERIENCE. so while you want to have fun (taboo! flag football omg! ultimate frisbee! lololol), you can't forget the main reason you're here - speech and debate! I can't believe only me and one other person (Rini) wanted to stay and watch finals! Everybody else ended up leaving early. Really, you guys? What did you come for? -_-

h) IRVINIAN IS SYNONYMOUS WITH BRAT. Really. This place really shows me how bitchy and conceited we really are. (By the way, no - racist jokes aren't funny.)

i) TEACHERS CAN BE PERSONABLE. you can play card games with them, or rant about your love life to them (this wasn't me lol), or whatever. Don't come across a lot of these teachers often.

I saw a lot of amaaaaaaazing speeches! (This was a speech competition - I'd be doing debate otherwise.) Ohmygod. For Duo, I remember two of them very clearly. The Incredibles one - ohmygod. Just hilarious. There was also a lot of homosexual ambiguity, haha. Syndrome was gay. And since in duo, you're not allowed to touch your partner except in the intro, another boy-boy partner group (semi-finals) hugged very... intimately? Pelvis-to-pelvis... as Amanda would put it. And then one of the guys did the "snookums" neck thing to the other guy while hugging, with the -innocentface- expression.... memorable, to say the least. I laughed. So hard. My cheeks hurt.

So this specific tournament has actually served the purpose of making me want to enter in LD debate (what I normally do), along with an IE, at normal tournies, now that I'm acquainted with them.

In general, I've learned so much at each one of these type of things I've thrown myself into these past years - Speech and Debate tournaments, MUN conferences, football games, winterguard performances and trips, orchestras - whatever it may be, I never forget.

Thanks for another stressful though great day on Earth. (story of my life.)

you might as well wear a halo

Just letting you know, Mr. Vesely, you still sound like an angel.

The beginning of Your Call still brings tears to my eyes. (& the "and I'm tired..." part!) Every time I listen to it, I'm convinced I've never heard anything more beautiful. But I guess it doesn't hurt that I've just been in a very tear-prone mood recently. I'm going to psycho-analyze myself here. What else have I cried about, and why?

1.) ex-dance teacher/dictator not listening to me after trying to give her some constructive criticism after I quit while she simultaneously kicked me out. of course, I held my tears in until I left. [ reason: not being heard in the face of stark injustices ]

2.) reminiscing about my childhood. me and Ruby & Bukem. me and Noam. me and Yijin. me and Sol. me and Sylvie. me and Stephanie. me and Tiffany. me and Danielle & Jeri. How many of them do I still talk to? I don't even have contact for half of them - hell, for being in a war zone (Noam), I don't even know if you're alive. Every time you make a friend, you give part of yourself to them. When they leave, you feel so suddenly empty. [ losing people close to you ]

3.) Allen killed the bee. I usually don't cry this easily, but when a perfectly functional organism is fine one moment, and a stomp later, has guts and blood trailing out of it while it twitches again stuggling pitifully to stand up... and everybody else goes on like nothings happened... it just kind of feels like life has punched you in a stomach, you know? who are we to play God? [ life is too fragile. something so easily stopped still happened. people not giving a shit. ]

4.) When people keep taking all my "debates" the wrong way. I'm trying to mentally spar with you, not cut you down. I assume you all have some self esteem and won't see it as some personal attack and will be able to defend what you're saying. And then either they get pissed and walk off on me without warning, or feel inferior yourself when I am just trying to exchange my ideas and get some interesting perspectives in return. [ frustration. being misinterpreted. causing pain/anger ]

5.) Being forced to do things I don't want to do. Mainly involving me going on work overload, and then crashing, then stubbornly protesting my work. Then crying because I have to do it, due to the iron fisted school system. [ helplessness, things being out of my control ]

6.) Just because. If I wanted to, I could sit and cry all the time, and never run out of tears to cry, or things to cry about, or I can simply cry for no reason.

7.) I'm touched by things people have done for me. I remember in sixth grade, I went ice skating. I was talking to my friends, my mom was there too. I randomly blurted out "I feel like an icee! haha" just to break the silence. Then went to the bathroom. When I came back, my mom had bought an icee for me.

Improvements:

1: Stop crying and start trying harder. Crying doesn't make matters any better.

2: Always at least drop by/email/aim and say hi! Never ever cease contact. Who knows when you'll be able to see each other again. It might be sooner than you think! :)

3: Can't be helped, really. Just accept life. And then work to MAKE them care. Or they're just gonna do it again. and again.

4: be more clear and less prone to misunderstanding. make sure things are okay. ask people to express what they are feeling so they don't suddenly explode and I'm left confused.

5: Suck it up. Keep working.

6: Just don't do it! haha

7: great. now return the love. :)

my nose turns purple in absence of parsley

what is this feeling

where is it from

the noise in my brain

makes a murderous hum

the sound of my body

telling me no

but my brain has told me

where to go

two more days & two more nights -

oh, that's all that I need

till all the world's skyscrapers

can bend to their knees

so please, Tina, please

do it for me

move it

Do not fail me, Tina.

You know how much I want this A. You know how much this matters to me. You know how much I want to do well. You know how much I want to get into boarding school.

So why are you so selfish and weak that you can't even get off your lazy ass and start studying math?

You know, I love these blog posts, because in the middle I ALWAYS get a sudden burst of inspiration. Most of these posts never get through because they become drafts and never see publication. Because the whole point was to regain inspiration. And I got it! :D

Alright. Let's do this. Mathhhhhh...

Well now that I actually kind of intend to publish it, I should elaborate on my hell week.

Nothing deep here. Just plotting stuff out, half for me, half for... yeah just me. :P

Tomorrow: math test & meet with Mrs. Schneider for t-recs

Thursday: science test & meet with Mrs. Glowacki for bs essay and t-recs

Friday: history test & memorize DI like no other & holiday party

Saturday: sp&deb competition, early early morning to late late night.

Sunday: JE SUIS LIBRE!

heartstrings

When's the last time I had a complete, defenseless heart-to-heart conversation with somebody? It's been a while. But today, that shell has opened again - if only briefly. But who thought it'd be with a stranger?

All this meaningless mumbo-jumbo (stealing your word Char haha) that we go through our daily routines: "oh, the funniest thing happened today", "oh, I love that flavor!", "buy holidaygrams or else!"... they come out of our mouths and stop at the ear. Are hearts are starving for connection. Connection is key in human existence - it's the factor that determines the nature of our consciousness (ex: happy, sad) but my daily life is so devoid of it. We need this vital feeling of being anchored to this Earth, so we don't go flying off into some dream world, or vegetative state. I'm drifting. I'm drifting.

Strangers. They're like the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. Open it up, dig a little bit, and see what you find. Today I found gold. The conversation was a wake-up call - I also discovered how much my life direction has shifted in the past few years, or even months. We can talk about the past, our families, christmas lights, without being embarrassed. That takes a certain maturity. The future beyond school - once considered so far off it is irrelevant to the present... is tangible. Thick and hanging in the air.

The last part, and most important part, was mutual vulnerability. We were unafraid to put ourselves out there, to take a risk and trust that in the end we'd be at least a little bit enlightened by each other. To express ourselves.

I was talking to Jeri on Friday and she said that she learned more from experiences with real people than textbooks. A five minute encounter has given me so much, I see what you mean now.

snail without a shell

why are you so sensitive?

so vulnerable?

so easily swayed?

what is with these mood swings?

toughen up, tina.

toughen up.

we don't have time for games.

head in the clouds

our fragile hearts are bursting at the seams

our throbbing minds are spewing smoke and steam

these cold cruel nights often catch me wondering

what life is like in absence of my dreams

crushed between our aching memories

smiles have long faded as we fall down to our knees

our time is stolen from us, by homework, by sleep

for time is the only true human currency

but in darkest nights there is a star

so catch a dream, and put it in a jar

give me the strength to mend my broken heart

cause it's our dreams that make us who we are

five arms and three legs

You know, I just realized how much I multitask these days.

I walked to the kitchen, scooped out some noodles, put it in the microwave, and then while it was heating, went to the bathroom and ate my last apple slice. When I came out, it was warm and I ate it while doing homework, and while listening to music and having 6 tabs open with gmail, twitter, flickr, facebook, and blogger, while keeping a friend company on AIM. Usually, I also take a shower before all this and then do all this while my hair is drying so that when I go to sleep, my hair is dry.

Who knew you could keep track so many things at once...

cet hiver

10 things to do this winter break

1.) write bschool essays like NO OTHERRR

2.) people watch

3.) free hugs! & random acts of kindness

4.) photo a day project

5.) write something for howler online

6.) plan stuff for a massive book drive revival

7.) preparer pour mon interview (ohnon!)

8.) make my own apple cider

9.) catch up on practicing flute

10.) finally get time to use my maaagical new prismacolors!

merge left onto I-55

Okay. I finally got to know about how somebody actually genuinely feels. Somebody who usually bottles things up so that her opinions never see the light of day. It feels like she finally wiped her windows clean, so I can see through her walls. The facades she builds to "keep us all safe"... which, despite the best intention, I think only ends up hurting us, are finally gone. Or at least partly.

With this information, I finally understand. So many mistakes could have been prevented. So much pain averted. So many tears kept in the eye.

If the person is reading this, I'd like to say - thank you! Despite some things that were said about me that weren't exactly what I wanted to hear, and yes, did hurt (just a little), what I finally heard was THE TRUTH. And that is better than any sort of sugarcoated aversion, halftruth, or lie. No matter how good it makes me feel in the short term. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

For example, I noticed the same "issue" rerising several times. If you let me know after the first time, it wouldn't have happened again. And you also would've let me in on a problem I supposedly have, because I've probably been pissing a lot of other people off too. (Actually, I know for a fact that I have.) So a lot of anger could have been saved. :)

Please. Something I've always hated about our friend group is that too many things are left unsaid, too many actions left undone. This goes for more than just the one person I was initially addressing. It ends up building into huge webs of conspiracies and stress, when maybe, if we all let each other know what we really thought or felt about them or things that they did, we could be so much closer. Stop hiding - everybody has opinions, and they're nothing to be ashamed of! Don't be afraid of hurting us because you'll just end up hurting yourself AND us, when we find out. Please.

Thank you.

a house with broken shingles can't stand up to rain

I hate love. It's the only thing in this world that makes no sense.

Usually when something goes horribly awry, I can use logic and reason to bring people back from the brink, but love just has no rules. So how do you win this battle?

Well first of all, when you fight it, you're usually in denial.

When you surrender, you just have to be lucky.

Lucky that the person likes you back, that all your lucky stars are aligned and everything goes smoothly.

When they are aligned - good for you. Make it last!

When they aren't... sucks for you. Get over it! The world is full of new faces and opportunities.

Apart from Deja Vu, this is all I'm willing to address in regard to "love". It's in quotation marks because most of the time, what is referred to as love isn't even love. But that's a whole different post.

Just trying to address the situation from a more levelheaded, third person point of view, amidst all these hormoney rants and deceptions.

THIS IS NOT CHICKEN LITTLE. THE SKY IS NOT FALLING.

dissection

mr. pliers

do you see the jagged lines

where you pick me apart?

slowly, surely, quite methodically

you rip me into a mass of tissues,

jumble of organs, there's my larynx

take it, just don't take my heart -

it doesn't beat for you.

neigh.

pull the reigns

a haiku

hold on tight to life

it's quite a hell of a ride

just don't fall off yet

another time, another place

darkness and i sit

for a cup of tea

gentle pull, come closer

the world ends at the doorstep

the threads of my shirt begin to blur

rubber bands snap

stars fall

wrapping and constricting

sweep me away, take me

vague desires hang plump

from the ceiling

waiting to be picked

but

bowling balls hit the floor

the lights, oh the lights

turn on

flood the room

suffocating brightness

it's time, oh, oh no, oh no no no,

why is it time

for question number three.

tangled obligations

sometimes you just have to say no.

walk away

but always look back

-_-

people don't change, do they?

pretty words

pearlescence

evanescence

luminescence

silver

embryo

november

eloise

ephemeral

crescendo

lemon

schizophrenic

ember

dolce

lilt

umbrella

janvier (french for january)

aloe

sapphire

amethyst

emerald

crescent

serenade

cinder

ashen

cinnamon

prelude

clandestine

crimson

echo

ascension

viola

crystalline

sphere

melody

scarlet

vibrance

Maybe it's the weather, but there was something magical about these two days.

Something that made me stop on the second story overlooking the school and go "WOW. Look at all the people, mingling and moving in different directions and the patterns of their crossing, swerving, interlacing backpacks. And then - look at that sky! It's such a deep and vivid shade of blue! Look at the way the shadows cut across the crowd in a wobbly line, and the way the sun backlights the veins of all the leaves turning shades of red and orange, making them translucent in a biting contrast of red, green, and blue. How the sun strikes my skin and makes me burn with some kind of deep passion for breathing.

For once, I felt like part of the scheme of something bigger. The world at school exists between the bike racks and 1200 building. But today, I was conscious of rabbits chewing on dry yellow grass beyond those mountains, or into Starbucks where the cashier hands the customer a receipt and 2 nickels. I felt energies, whizzing in every direction. Sunlight beaming, a breeze caressing my face, humans intertwining, grass growing, mountains slowly eroding, oceans lapping against seashores, the mantle beneath me churning...

All this just makes me want to smile, want to run, want to break free of my daily routines of confinement and worry and stress. Want to lay down and just feel life flowing all around me. The same feeling that compelled me to pick up a handful of helicopter leaves and throw them up in the air, as high as I could, and just stare in amazement as they circled back down.

Something magical. Maybe it's the feeling of autumn that I've been deprived of for so long, as I mused to myself how long it'd been since I jumped in a pile of leaves, or been to an apple orchard. Something about the oblique angle of light, the whispering and crackling of leaves as the breeze skids them across the floor, something so uniquely warming. Some happy feeling that had been buried in me long ago by hot California summers.

I really don't know. But I guess that shouldn't really matter. Just savor it while it's here. :)

Autumn by hermiz [deviantart]

edumacation.

suck it up and just do it.

does anybody else see the irony?

suck it up and just do it.

we cram before tests and forget the next day

suck it up and just do it.

they tell us to sleep, then keep us up studying all night

suck it up and just do it.

we become sleep deprived, yet there's more to memorize than ever

suck it up and just do it.

endless cycle, never ending abyss, falling down, and only down

suck it up and just do it.

we might as well all be robots, we lose our humanity anyways

suck it up and just do it.

we can try to rebel, but all that ends in is academic exile

suck it up and just do it.

I guess, all we can tell ourselves is:

suck it up and just do it.

umbrella

feeling broken, feeling bruised

but they tell you to be strong

somewhere there's another sun

but rainstorms are so long...

there's darkness and there's light

there's silence and there's sound

but there is an umbrella here

raindrops don't hit the ground

said Newton: gravity is a law

but laws are to be defied

raindrops fall but dreams come true

because your tears have dried

another thought-cloud:

Barnes and Nobles coupon expires today, I need to write my anchor, science organelle project due Wednesday OHNO, I want a friendly neighbor, we need to cancel our Netflix because nobody has used it for at least 2 months already, time to register for my boarding school interview(!), finally cut my journalism interview project to 917 words, I haven't read any magazines for a few days, I'm kind of hungry, why are Americans so obese, China is rising... America is slipping... badbadbad(!), my ponytail is thin today, I wonder if I can cry on will, YAY I got an Outstanding certificate in my first MUN conference, because of that I might be able to go to the Chicago MUN trip in December, which is expensive but sounds like a lot of fun, I wonder if I like MUN or speech and debate better, it's so weird that Albert, the CEO of Cheap Irvine went to the exact same high school as I was supposed to had I stayed in Massachusetts, so it's like a sort of extended super weird coincidence of Newton, MA -> Irvine, CA, no wonder his cell phone area code was 617, I wonder if I can keep my faucet turned off since supposedly love can't be suppressed, I wonder why everybody's in such a rush, it's sad how you always get to know people as they're leaving, I wonder who's gonna be ATA junior prez, I feel bad for neglecting half of my duties to do the other, I wonder if Mrs. Sloate has read my email about not doing winterguard yet, I hope I won't have to go to PE, I WANT TO GO TO ANDOVER GODDAMMIT, I friended this Joon Buhm on facebook just so I could snoop around on his Andover-ey life, I wonder if that makes me a stalker, I want some Starbucks or boba but the TIMES article said that America needs to learn from China and save more money and damn that makes me self-righteous and determined to not spend money, I wonder if anybody's actually going to read this. I wonder why this helps so much. I can focus now! Anchortimeeeee!

persevere

no time to cry
just keeeeeeeeeep going!

a little bit of recordkeeping

I like looking back on old lifestyles... so I thought I'd immortalize mine here.

So yeah, nothing particularly meaningful today. Just a little bit of insight into my mind/life.

My usual day:

5 - 7 homework

7 - 8 get ready and bike to school

8 - 4 school & bike back

4 - 7 extracurricular crap

7 - 9 dinner / freeee!

9 - 12 homework

repeeeeeeeeaat!

As of now, I'm booked till February.

Random stuff on my mind these past few days:

Meteor shower tonight, work on getting book drive started, practicing flute for lesson on Wednesday, preparing for interview project on Thursday, MUN conference Saturday - position paper FML(!!!), DD's Sweet 16, La Primavera flute concert, journalism book project due Dec. 1st, science organelle project due same day (Dec. 1st), Adopt-a-prisoner campaign, writing my anchor paper due Dec. 7th, hi-chew sales December, boarding school interview and essay, SSAT, rest of app due Feb. 1st.

Boom. 1st semester, OVER.

More random stuff at this moment in the order they pop into my head:

broccolli, the streak of paint on my leg from painting boxes, I need to cut my nails, the plant Alessio got us is growing, shoot - I should be doing homework already, Kohna is sitting on my really awkwardly, I disagree with most animal shelters, these beads are shiny, my legs are ticklish, I need to practice flute, I haven't drawn in a long time, my MUN position paper looks like shit atm, that pizza was yummy, I want an apple, the bottom of this computer kind of burns, what's that blue thing behind the couch, what the hell is my brother is watching... I just heard STD, meebo changed layouts, I hope Kohna doesn't unsheath her claws on my leg, I want a hug, I must've jinxed myself cause Kohna just did, that light is really bright, I'm breathing pretty slow, my eyes are getting unfocused, I want sleep.

teardrops on my guitar

riht now i iz happew. fluffertail came nd fed me nummee muffinns, nd i has paint on mah leggs. but i iz also sad cuz my cat ate my knee socks. nd my friendoss all calls me titi and teeny tina and they sez just sayin' all teh time. so happe we finally have food in the housey.

erek came in my schleep

he is a rabid sangiovese kitty

with sharp bloody claws

he comes and eats my cat food

with a crunch of sharp teeth

like the coyotes

possums and raccoons

so i fall into a hole of

non-cat food despair.

storm

how words assemble at 2:30 AM

gravity pulls, lulls

my barren mind -

a desert of words

speck by speck, each

grain of sand - each phrase

assembles, entropy in reverse

rewind, pause, rewind, rewind

like static on channel nine

the winds of thought blow whichever way

suddenly -

Exclamation point!

A storm of mumble jumble

Pours out of my

fingers, like lightning!

Soon, not nearly soon enough

The sun returns, my mind comes back

Arching sanity, spray colors on

Black and white photography

I see the whole spectrum.

raw

you can't catch me

determination

eat me raw

let me at 'em, let me at 'em

stomach pounding

bloodshot eyes

no caffeine in sight

just determination,

inertia, forward, don't stop

speed, adrenaline

whoosh!

sleep is my worst enemy

sleep is my worst enemy

it sneaks up on me on light feet

pulling, lulling gently on my mind

its beckoning bedsheets make me weak

Sleep is always the first thing I throw away when my schedules get tight.

Someday, it'll come back to bite me: stunted growth, shorter lifespan... but really - what can we do? Teachers tell us to get nine hours of sleep, then the next day we pull an all-nighter to finish the homework the give, or to study for their tests. What hypocrites! But I don't even have time to elaborate, since I need to finish studying for history -- so I can get some sleep.

one last time, lets do it!

Unsure. Nervous.

This is the last time I will hold a flag and rifle and sabre, and perform.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

The weight of the situation is so heavy... it falls with a thud onto my heart and strikes rancid apprehension. Finality -- it cuts me to pieces.

It's so hard to fathom that this is real. That the practices and performances that once ruled my daily life are now things of the past. Something I'll look back on, smile on, cry on. It hurts. My mind is racing, my heartbeat won't stay still. How. How is this possible? It's not! Ohwait, yes it is. Is it?

I chose this. I chose this.

I chose to leave. It's what's best.

Like amputating a leg to stop a deadly infection. To save my sanity, I had to sacrifice something that I loved as dearly as my limb. The sleepless nights dragged on way to often. Time slipped through my fingers. I couldn't catch my breath - I didn't have time to, I was too busy running with five hundred different weights tied to my ankles. I have fallen. It's time to let one go, so I can stand back up.

It all changes now.

from september 24th

blue

stormy weather calls my name

tears me open like a flame

my heart is bursting at the seams

somebody! teach me how to scream

yet...

sometimes heartache says goodbye

seeing scattered sunlight through your eyes

the clouds recede but I wait one more day

I've spent my life chasing shades of grey

but morning skies are blue, so blue, so blue

that somehow, my heart finds its way

back to you

from september 10th

this is for way too many people in my life.

we're not gone yet

slanted sunlight fills my eyes

with times when I could make you smile

it breaks my heart how time flies

it's been quite a while

just wanna say: I'm still here for you

I still think about you, every day

despite all that we've been through, and

all that we've fought through

in the midst of life, we got lost

and soon our eyes no longer met

our paths touched, and turned away

but I'm not gone yet

sometimes when I lay in bed

I make a wish and close my eyes

I dream of days you chose me instead

its sad how friendships die

in the midst of life, we'll find our way

and soon our eyes'll come face to face

along the road we won't forget

true friends can't be replaced

because we're not gone yet,

we're not gone yet.

deja vu

Drama is back.

//begin rant//

Oh how much I hate it. I cringe whenever I hear the word. Drama. Not freshman year again!!!
But then again, there are are the happy beginnings that may come from this, for certain people. But are they happy endings? It's high school - probably not. But it's okay, if they choose to take the risk, they assume the damage.

Drama is just something I really don't need right now. I have things to do. Places to go. I don't need this and I also don't need the shit that it inevitably brings.

Last year, people tried their chances, and they all got hurt. ALL, got hurt. Every single one. You'd think that says something.
But people, people run after this magical perception of love like no other. They call me deluded for averting my eyes. No, I'm going for the real thing, not this silly game of misconceptions we like to play in high school - no thank you. In the meantime, my education is enough to worry about. Drama, go away.

//end rant//

To those of you participating in this wild goose chase we call love,
GOOD LUCK. Really, you need it.

zombie

my zombie costume

was not fake

the circles under my eyes

were not fake

when was the last time

i've really been awake?

i can't say, i can't really say

the months blur past

and the years speed by

i've never had time

on my side

higher expectations

i'm a bully, really

i beat myself up

every day of the week

each thought carving

jagged lines in my heart

i bleed insecurity

inside, i scream

inside, i kick

crack myself open

tear myself apart

i'm crushed to a pulp between

every angry fact

every judgment passed

yet

i smile through the darkness

i laugh toward the dawn

you can't hurt me

you're just a bully, really

drift away

night sits gently on

my shoulders

the magnetic pull of sleep

nibbles on my eyes

soft glow of a smiling

moon, illuminating

page twenty-three,

eyelids and pencils fall

quietly to the floor

dreams pushed aside

it can wait, it can all wait

a soundless vacuum -

don't say a word

i quietly surrender

the anchor lifts

my mind begins to drift, free

over open seas & rushing waves,

i drown, slowly but surely

testing my balance

I feel like I'm living a neverending juggling act.

But you know what, I like juggling, so its okay.

I'm just scared I'll drop one and the whole thing will come tumbling down...

Seriously though, life has been one hell of a battle this year, against myself and time. I can never fit everything into 24 hours, and it breaks my heart to leave something out! In the meantime, I've been sacrificing sleep to make up for it. It makes me wonder: is this sustainable? Will I crumble soon? I tell myself: all you gotta keep is strong, move along, move along, just to make it through. (All-American Rejects ftw.) So I guess I'm making it through - for now, at least. I'm trying to do an impossible amount of things, equipped with only huge amounts of determination and energy. Because you can't run out of energy. Just when you thought you couldn't move a finger, you find some means to move an arm.

But on the other hand, it's extremely taxing in the long term. I'll be celebrating if I'm still alive in March.

f a l l i n g

At home, everything has been getting on my nerves. I constantly feel like I'm one word away from punching somebody in the face. Speaking as if I were a cat - my facial expression is frozen in a snarl; I squint suspiciously through eyes in vicious slits. My mental claws are left unsheathed, itching to tear at something to let out some of the steam bottling up inside me. Well-intended questions prod at me like fleas, and I gracelessly shake them off - "stop biting me!"

>And after listening to Secondhand Serenade on loop, the insignificant ditches I get snagged in become abyssal trenches. Each song lamenting lost hopes, lost loves, lost lives only amplifies my frustration; eventually I go numb.

I don't want to move; I don't want to think. For a glimmer, I even feel like I don't want to live, but dismiss it as a silly thought. "Life is lots of fun," I try to convince myself. "I have a great life ahead of me - no: I have a great great awesomely amazing life ahead of me. Don't throw it all away." Looking back at my mind in its lowest points, I can honestly say I'm glad I never did. I guess I try to preach the love of life so much, I feel hypocritical when I start to doubt it.

But in the end... I still feel rather lousy.

I apologize for the emoness. But it had to come out.

I feel like I have to get a blog nobody knows about... ranting about this stuff on here causes unnecessary worrying... after all, I always get through. It just takes an amount of de-steaming.

legos & barbies

In China, we stopped for drinks while biking in a farmland. The farmers' children were playing in the peanut-shell-and-coke-can filled river. But it seemed like they either didn't notice or didn't care, because they had a great time nonetheless. Other than children, who could do that?

When we were small, one hour felt like a vast stretch of time, but now weeks and months go by when we blink. I guess as we grow older there are more options; so many more things to do, and also so many more things we have to do. But yet, we squander time worrying about things nobody cared about when we were five or six, like where am I headed? why does this cost so much? why does she have a Gucci bag and I have a no-name-brand bag?

We become less tolerant of petty mistakes. If a five year old's white shirt turned pink in the washing machine, he might not even notice. And when real problems arise, children have the zeal to take it head on, devoid of fear or doubt or regret. They smile when something good happens, cry when something bad happens. No hidden meanings, no innuendo.

They are able to live in the moment and take every day to it's full value, measured in only one factor: fun. But that's what life is about, right? Having fun. Being happy. We lack that simplicity. Tangled in the never-ending loop of worry and work, we lose sight of what we live for.

Simplicity. by todo-el-mundo


What do you live for?

h e a r t a c h e

I

...............guess

..............................I watch

too

many......................

.......tragedies...

....................................that's

why.............

.............I can

never...........................................

.....................fall

..............................for

someone

....I

...................................................................can

.......................................be

with.

edit: It's only another phase (I think). Please don't remind me that this post ever happened. :')

~ remembering how to breathe ~

/ waking up at the start of the end of the world / but it's feeling just like every other morning before / now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone / I believe the world is burning to the ground / oh well I guess we're gonna find out / let's see how far we've come /

These past three internet-less days have been eye-opening. I can't say it enough times: "you don't know what you've got till it's gone!"

At first, I just kind of rotted. If I wanted to go somewhere for the day, I couldn't check the weather. If I wanted to bake something, I couldn't look a recipe up. If I had a song stuck in my head, I couldn't listen to it on Youtube. If I wanted pizza, I couldn't order online, or even look up domino's phone number. If I wanted to go to the library, I couldn't find the opening and closing times. Whenever I found something to do, I came to a roadblock.

Just then I realized how much time we spend on the computer, or in front of a screen. When I just moved here, my first observation was that the streets were lonely. Back east, the parks and sidewalks would be swarming with kids running, rollerblading, biking, scootering, skateboarding, you name it. Here, it's just emptiness. A car drives past. If you're lucky, a person might walk their dog by you. But meanwhile, they would be tapping away in front of their iTouches, or clicking buttons on their cell phones.

After the grim realization sank in, I reconnected with things I haven't seriously done in a long time. I laid in bed and read heaps of National Geographics. I sat in my backyard and painted a picture. I talked to friends face to face instead of over AIM, Facebook, or Gmail. It was almost... peaceful. Without a trillion things to do, we lose the need to rush. And when we don't rush, we start to actually breathe.

Although my internet's back (obviouslyyy), I'm determined not to let my lesson go to waste. Appreciate the internet for everything it lets us do, but don't use it as a substitute for really living life.

Zen by Liek

~ s p e e d b u m p ~

Spring show
I was last, so there weren't as many guard people watching. I improvised my whole dance part, but I caught all my umbrella tosses! Even though one was a really awkward catch. It was a four. It was very informal, nobody really cared, and it zoomed by - before I knew it, we were done!

Amnesty
application: I stayed up forever making it and I was very pleased with the outcome. If I thought I had a chance getting publicity, I would've made it a lot more creative, but the main role I was trying out for was secretary - so it had to be impeccably neat!
interview: I think I did great, I was articulate and he added some pretty flattering flattery, although I'm not sure whether it was just to make me feel better or because he really meant it.

Mock Trial
I didn't really understand the system and the rules of what to/not to do, so I obviously broke a lot of them. I'm not being overcritical, but after an unbiased analysis of all the actions and words they said combined with my new knowledge, I can conclude that I did - to put it bluntly - mortifyingly bad. On the bright side, now I know what exactly not to do, come September. It was definitely worth the experience.

I'm slowly but steadily driving along the final stretch before summer. Unfortunately, it's a bumpy road, some bumps being more painful than others. But the point is I'm getting through them.

a p o c a l y p s e

IT'S HELL WEEK! This is mainly so I don't forget myself.

Monday

Amnesty board application due
Geo Ch. 11 Test
Spring show

Tuesday
Amnesty board interview? (Today or tomorrow)

Wednesday
Amnesty board interview? (Yesterday or today)
Mock trial tryouts

Thursday
Flute auditions (most likely today)
Scale finals on oboe

Friday
art class
study till I drop

Saturday
SSATs
IYCA concert

Sunday
study till I drop

Week after
Finals!!!

Week after the week after
SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!



LETS HOPE I MAKE IT THROUGH ALIVE!

static on channel n i n e

Too bruised to function. No, not physically. Although I almost wish I were so I could take 'Spring Show' off my list of things to stress over.
Been blasting "Into the Storm" by Robert W. Smith on loop.
Hungry, but I refuse to eat dinner with you morons. ( Quite obviously, I'm going to take that back later. )
I need sleep, but there's too much work to be done.

If only I took my own advice.

Don't ask if I'm okay because you know the answer.
Don't reply with your encouraging and optimistic comments because I know what you're going to say. Because I've been telling the same things to myself, but not wanting to believe it. Because all it comes down to is that I'm being lazy & lack the guts to do what I want to. I'm caving in to my desire for no desires.

End result: I rot. The end.



top: down in a hole by matmoon
bottom: Going down? by p0rg

p.s.) My TV actually has no channels at all - not even channel 1.

t h a w

The confusion, laziness, and incompetence of the last few days is coming back as biting failure... and it hurts.
And if you're pessimistic, you may see this as an end... but I try not to be. So in fact, it's really a beginning. A wake up call.

I'm going to work really hard again - it's not easy to forget that insane motivation I felt back in March and April. No more pity, no more regret... and maybe, just maybe, I'll make it through the last stretch to summer alive!


Just the beggining by Photosnap

f r o z e n

I'm suspended somewhere between excitement for Human Rights Week and dread for the French Oral Final, History Project Presentation, pep rally, and Spring Show.

These few days have been strange. I've been sleeping without my homework done (and getting up early to finish) because I simply can't concentrate! Catching my train of thought is like catching minnows with your fingers. It's nearly impossible! My brain is slippery. Now that's a pleasant image. You can probably hear the static going through my head, since all my thoughts are uncollected and completely raw. No additives, no preservatives, no high fructose corn syrup. This is it... wait, what is it? Ahhh. Point proven.

Anyways, I'm probably putting a pimple on the face of this blog I've worked hard to keep up with... but I just felt... stuck. Maybe after all this is over... maybe life can return to normal. Or as normal as it ever was.

A burst of color by Jenya88

break from r o u t i n e

/ happiness /
My heart feels so warm
Like sunlight touching my skin
In the cold winter

Today has been an inspiring day.

I spent my morning experimenting with watercolor, and ended up with an anti-war picture.

I went to orchestra and we played songs that I actually like. Albert's solo (in Salut D'Amour) makes me heart-wrenchingly happy. During the rests, I just look up to see him possessed by the music, growing and swelling inside of him.

Afterwards, I came home and finished watching Gandhi. It is a great film, Gandhi is an amazing man - sometimes too amazing to fathom. I hope someday I amount to 1/59492456 of what he was.

Then, since time is on my side for once, I took a nap, and then awoke to the prodding of the usual Castle Park crew. (Minus Jeri... come next time please?) We went to "The-park-behind-my-house", and that brought back another wave of memories that make me smile.

When I came home, my parents were watching Amadeus - a film about Mozart. I've played his pieces more times than I can count and never once have I known anything about his life. It's inspiring to connect what I'm playing to events in his life, to know that the notes that I play mean something special to someone.

Then I come back to the computer, and read, for once, happy blog posts. That's saying a lot!

I can't help but feel excited for the future. A final stretch before summer in which I have to keep my grades up, then summer, and then sophomore year! (And then bsapps... :] ) I made my schedule for next year last week - I had to fight with Mr. Emery to let him let me take all my classes! xD
Honors English, Honors History, H Algebra 2, H Integrated Science 2, French 2
Journalism & Howler/Creative Writing (depends if I get into Howler for the 2nd semester), Band, Speech and Debate, and Colorguard!

Smile by werol


Thank you world for letting me see another day on this Earth!
edit: *dies of cheesiness*

ode to P O P S I C L E S

{{ Katrina and I were talking about popsicles, it was originally her idea to blog about them :] ... }}

The popsicle juice dribbles down my chin, and almost instinctively I catch it with my tongue. Flavor dances on my tastebuds as I muse about the riddle on the popsicle stick, cradled for a moment in a peaceful popsicle-repose.

All of a sudden, the memories race each other back.

Whoosh. I'm five, it's Brookline. I'm rollerblading with Ruby when the familiar music-box melody of the ice cream truck crescendoes as it nears. Frantically we stumble towards our houses, ready to grovel at the feet of our parents and babysitters for a bit of change. Popsicle, popsicle...

Whoosh. I'm nine, it's Newton. I'm on the swings with Sylvie when the familiar music-box melody of the ice cream truck ricochets off the brick walls of our school. We jump off the swings and sprint to the truck, counting pennies and dimes in our pockets. Popsicle, popsicle...

Whoosh. I'm fourteen, it's California. I was posing for a Darfur rally picture with Katrina yesterday when the familiar music-box melody of the ice cream truck stirred dusty memories. Popsicle, popsicle... One glance at each other and we remembered what to do. Without hesitation we handed the crinkled dollar over to Mr. Ice Cream Man, and something childishly excited inside me awoke.

I realized that my childhood has been characterized by popsicles. Popsicles in times of joy, in anger, and in sadness. What is a better comfort these days than a little frozen block of sugar - a simple reminder of simple, happy times? Times of less pressure, of less drama, clear of the intricate, mind-crushing webs of thought that constantly cling to our consciences.

It's pleasantly simple.
The thought floods the mind and echoes its happy mantra:
popsicle... popsicle... popsicle...

Kiss from a Cherry Popsicle by Adorkable-3


...popsicle!

that s i n k i n g feeling

/ I walk barefoot where the water drowns the sand / with you no longer here to hold my hand / I let go / The ocean makes my swelling heart feel small / With the sounds it makes you won't hear it if iI call / I let go / There's a breeze in the air / There's a boat anchored out here / There's a calm under the waves as I choose to sink /

There are days when, other than a minimal amount of homework, I have literally nothing to do.
You might be thinking, oh that's nice...?
No. I sit there and rot. I feel like my life is wasting away.

These days, everyone important, or destined for an important place, seems to be busy all the time. When they're not under extreme academic stress from constant studying and AP classes, they're consumed in extensive extra-curriculars that take up hours every single day. They go off to Ivies, to Stanford, to UCLA.

Where am I in all this?

As the 'successful' people rise in life, I'm that hobo on the side of the street, caught between the parallel webs of helplessness and self-pity. I have to get out of my cardboard box more; I can't sleep on newspapers forever.

That's probably a bit of an exaggeration, but I still do feel like I'm not doing enough.
I want to do things, go places.
At the rate I'm going, the chances are unsettlingly slim.

In reality, those rising people probably work 10 times harder than I do. On the surface they appear to instantly succeed, like it's in their nature. But when they go home, what do they do? Study study study. Then again, maybe I'm just trying to comfort myself.

I guess success is something we have to slowly build up, through good habits, perseverance, blood and sweat, like a plant needs to be watered.

AMEERA90: Plant of Success

a s c e n s i o n

glass hearts ~ a haiku

balancing on pointe
as we pirouette through life
aching hearts take flight

lets fly away from this mess.


fly away by tiberiunedelea

x . w i n g s . x

a bird with no wings

lines fade to grey as
your voice shakes the sky
the walls close in, but
the world is in your eyes

fight to hold back tears as
words contract, expand
on my flinching tongue - it hurts
but you wouldn't understand

stars fall like snow as
I blink once, twice.
suffocating in your apathetic gaze
my heart slowly turns to ice

-----

coughemocough.
Sigh... maybe I'll elaborate later.

<< b r e a k i n g p o i n t >>

I met this old lady today.
She reminded me of somebody I know.

We went to a restaurant today with some family friends, and it was kinda a weird restaurant because waiters bring plates of food around and ask you if you want any. When I told the old lady who brought us to the restaurant that I was a vegetarian, she pretty much got every single vegetable plate on the menu, thinking she was helping. Even when I told her I was full, I couldn't eat anymore, or I didn't even like that dish (and I wasn't lying). She just kept, on, ordering! Maybe she was deaf. When things came, she put like half of each dish on my plate. Trying to be "nice", I managed to swallow it all down, even as my stomach begged me to stop.

By the end, my stomach reached it's bursting point, and I couldn't take anymore.

My message: when someone tells you "no" 5 times in a row, they usually mean it. Which means that you, being a kind and virtuous person, should take it, and STOP!

If my psychic-ness is right, I'm going to get a reply like "Gasp, Tina FULL? No way!"

double-edged sword

At some point, we are all crushed by statistics that weigh against us.

But what can we do? All dreams are subject to reality.

These little numbers, they can drain your hope like no other. They crawl into your mind and leave room for nothing else. Whether it's a question of "This operation has a 5% survival rate?", or "The 72% on the test is all I'm worth? The C- is all that defines me?", I hope someday people learn to look beyond the numbers. Forgive a little bit of quantity - instead, look at the quality. I'm sure we'd all rather have one great friend than just five friends. Or really succeed in doing one thing instead of being a bit above average on everything.

I guess most of the question is keeping faith.
When these rock hard facts shower down on us, our hope can be a shield more solid than diamonds.

"The best of us can find happiness in misery", to quote Fall-Out Boy.

School, by 13thousand


PS) I have no idea what the point of this entire post was. I just felt like blogging since nobody else is (HINTHINTWINKWINK).

a p o l o g i z e

It may seem like I'm ignoring you guys lately.
Constantly turning things down, being ever-busy...

I'm re(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)ally sorry, but trust me I'd much rather be hanging out with you than being like this!
I wouldn't do it unless there was no better way.

On a happier note, hopefully it'll all be over soon and life will be back to normal. (Or as normal as it ever was.)

Please bear with me!!

Speaking of bears... this will have to do for now!
Bear Hug by elultimodeseo (on DeviantArt, as always)

ONE GREAT BIG GIANT BEAR HUG TO YOU ALL! :D

Ghost of my past

/ maybe you were all faster than me / we gave each other up so easily / these silly little wounds will never mend / I feel so far from where I've been / So I go / And I will not be back here again / I'm gone as the day is fading / on white houses / I lied, wrote my injuries all in the dust / In my heart it's the five of us /
~White Houses, Vanessa Carlton

Where have I BEEN all these years?

I built my own little sandcastle on the shore of the ocean of life, and then, WHAM.
A tsunami comes and tears it all down.

Years ago, I started burrowing, believing that if I got down deep enough, I'd be able to escape cruel reality.
But the cold, abrasive waters of life still come crashing through,
and now I can't breathe.

Once underwater, I start to remember.

does the air still taste like crisp leaves and dumplings?
is that Little Mermaid doll still sitting on your desk?
have you tossed that ball around lately?
are you still looking for that stamp I stole?
would you still understand?

I start to choke on the memories, burning in my throat.

It's sad how strangers become friends, then yet again become strangers, all going our separate ways in life. Maybe in the haystack of life our pieces of straw may only brush once.
All that's left are imprints; sweet, sweet imprints.

It's like the feeling when you've finished the last m&m in the bag:

Empty.

spread the love

How do people have closets full of designer clothes when others go around in rags?

Why do people sleep in beds with Egyptian cotton pillows and silk down blankets while others sleep on dusty, cockroach-infested floors?

How do we eat around 2000 calories a day when others may have to starve for a week?

It's all because we have power.
But so many people have forgotten (or neglected) the fact that
"With great power comes great responsibility."

I'm a picky eater. Refusing my mom's green peppers, she told me [roughly and in translation], "if we sent you to the country in China for a year, you would eat anything." I rolled my eyes. "What do you think they eat there, every day?" "I dunno, rice?" I mumbled. She was flabbergasted. "Rice? Rice is a luxury they couldn't afford in a trillion years."

And then the fact that parents sell their own children into slavery for the USD equivalent of $7.
I spent $7 on dinner tonight.
I basically ate the equivalent of a child's whole life. (And I'm still not full... ;] )

So reconsider next time you're thirsty and pick up a bottle of soda. Every penny you spend on something trivial is also one penny someone else could use to feed himself for the first time in days, or that could put a roof over someone's head.

Sharing is Caring by cute_confusion (deviantart)

SHARING IS CARING!

/ m u s i c /

/ I wanna take you away / let's escape into the music / dj let it play /

Spoken language is between mouth and ear
Written language is between hand and eye
Music is between heart and heart

Because of the universality of music, a Chilean can express himself to a Vietnamese with ease.

syllables become legatos, staccatos, and marcatos
words become a, b, c, do, re, mi
paragraphs become movements
short stories, autobiographies, and novels become marches, suites, and concertos
rising and falling actions become accelerandos and ritardandos
a car chase may become vivace, subito, and fortissimo
a sunset may become dolce, tenuto, and piano

Music is.. by x-chan (on deviantart)

MUSIC IS WHAT FEELINGS SOUND LIKE

spring is in the air

It feels like the sand is shifting beneath me.
And for once not because I'm sinking, but because I'm digging the hole.

I'm making a conscious effort to change for the better.

And even though it is ultimately for the good, it DOES feel like I'm being swallowed by mountains of choking sand. But, no pain no gain, right? (And Lucas don't reply saying no pain no pain.)

One thing that kind of gives me hope is that --
it's SPRING!

I'm sowing the seeds and for now the buds are small and insignificant...
But perservere through the wind and the rain and they'll be blossoms!

:D

Boxer

It's time to work a hell of a lot harder.

I've been kind of living life day to day, and now, I finally want to take life by the reigns and ride the hell out of it.

Now that I've cleared my eyes and mind, I have my mind on the goals and I am going to do whatever it takes to achieve them... a bit of self sacrifice is all.
My time, my effort, my sweat, my sleep, but in the end it hopefully will be all worth it.

I know this is short, but I need to sleep so I can really concentrate tomorrow.

"I will work harder" ~Boxer from Animal Farm

Choking on thoughts & words

note: this is a weird entry... I usually save these kinda entries for writing on paper. Where nobody else will see it. But you know what, WHAT THE HELL.

In my world, I would bring band-aids to school and all these hearts would be healed.

They tend to sneak up on you.
Like spiderwebs - you don't realize they're right in front of your face until you're caught.
I feel like that bug, helplessly lost, the more you struggle, the tighter it gets... until you can't breathe.
Or more like I'm off on the side, watching the bugs get caught, one by one.

Anddd I want to help, but there's simply nothing I can do.
They're like.. a pyramid of glass hearts balancing on the tip of a needle.

All that it ends in is.. glass shards. Which are incredibly sharp, and end in even more pain. Pain for you, pain for me, pain pain pain pain PAIN.
But in that lawn there are two flowers, that are soooo incredibly colorful and happy. Is it worth the yellow, drooping witheredness of the rest of the lawn? I guess that's part of taking risks.
We put our hearts on the line, and sometimes they get torn to pieces.
I guess that's just life.

To end on a positive note... tomorrow's Friday... that should be a wonderful escape for us all.
But then again we'll all have to come back on Monday and face the cruel reality.

Ohwait, that isn't positive.

I fail.
Sighhhh
I hate standing on the sidelines. I'd rather play.
But when you play, and only make it worse, what can I do then?

I don't know. It's late.
My brain is dead.

I think I'll nap it off. Things always seem better in the morning.
Even though deep inside I know I'm just running from my problems, again...

I can go from low to high and back to low so fast.
It was less than an hour ago I had that happy feeling warm in my chest... and now I've been plunged back into ice-water.

When you change temperatures suddenly, you end up sick.
And that's what I am. SICK.
/I'm so sick, infected / with where I live / let me live without this / empty bliss / selfishness / I'm so sick... /
I need a break.

I wish life was like one of those microwavable foods - just add water.
But those foods are bad quality, they're dull and tasteless and not to mention unhealthy.

I don't really know why all my thoughts are kinda rolling through my body to my fingertips and onto the keyboard...

God I can't stop! It's like that feeling when you know you've lost but you don't want to admit it.
I don't want to admit life sucks.
There's happy times waiting, right?
I'd like to hope so.

And while I sit here rambling on and on about my life and how it sucks, there are people out there who have it way worse. That's how greedy I am.

:\
Just let the tears fall already.............

Sweet democracy no more

I know how you feel now, when they won't listen...
It's like they've made up their minds that they are 100% right and everyone else is 100% wrong 100% of the time, and that what they have to say is 100% more important than what you and me have to say.

That is why I'm 100% pissed.
Actually, that's an understatement.

Seriously, I don't care whether you teach me anymore or not. Honestly, I've wanted to quit for a while, too. But me leaving doesn't solve anything. You're going to go on, abusing your students. And none of them will say or do anything about it.

But I can't let this go on! If something's wrong, YOU FIX IT.

And I tried to very very nicely help you do that. All I even asked was for you to listen.

I came in here perfectly calm, perfectly contained, with the sole purpose for improving you for the sake of your students.

But the first thing you say when I bring the subject up, is:
I'M THE TEACHER. I DON'T LISTEN TO YOU. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TRYING TO TALK TO ME!?

Apparently, I'm supposed to bow down to your feet.
Apparently, what I have to say isn't worth more than a fleck of dust on the floor.
I might as well not exist!

But I'm no quitter. This is FAR from over.
And I won't do anything wrong. Unlike you, who pinched me. THAT FREAKING HURT.
In addition, THAT'S FREAKING ILLEGAL!

All I really want you to do is understand. And change for the benefit of EVERYONE. Including yourself. Do you know how many people quit because you wouldn't stop telling them that they sucked and were stupid and should stop dancing? (this is not an exaggeration)

For one, we wouldn't all hate you anymore.
And you would have more business.
And the world would be a happier place.

Unfortunately, it's harder than it sounds...

Art is a paradox within itself...

I missed art class again... (but this time because I fell asleep.)
I haven't been there since January!! And I feel horrible.
So I guess I'll atone by looking at other people's pretty art... I weeded through my favorites and found my all-time favorites... umyeah.

DISCLAIMER: I DONT OWN ANY OF THESE!
They are all from deviantart. :D
Oh and I ended up having a LOTTT so I divided it into parts. xD

PHOTOGRAPHY PORTION

Raindrops Falling On My Head by BatDesignz


gelato di nuvuola by meppol (translation: cloud ice cream)


feel ready to go by werol


Kaledoscope Reverie by alexiuss


please hug me by Zendar


:: When love dies... :: by Liek


reprise of fairys tears by ssilence


Power of Love by BatDesignz

Love... by TheOne85Ca

Elegy Of Icarus by BatDesignz

Heartless... by msog


Rejected by Davenit


words like violence by Miss-Freak-of-Nature


Almost... by kelc


Procreation by werol

Make love, not war

I can't count the number of times I've used the word hate.

"I hate homework."
"I hate life."
"I hate you."

Do I ever really mean it? No.

I'm going to confess that I have never, ever, wholeheartedly hated something.
Because everything has a reason, right? You can't blame them.

Soldiers killing other soldiers are only trying to save the people of their country.
A mother selling a child into labor is only trying to save the rest of the children.
People executing innocent people in Guantanamo, they're only taking orders.
And even Bush tried.
And plus, who elected him in the first place? We did. So it's not in our place to complain.

Complaining gets nothing done. Instead, let's act.

Instead of sitting on our buts whining that global warming will kill us all, stand up and turn off that light.
Instead of listening to reports on wolf slaughter, sign a petition.
(CLICKY CLICKY!)
Instead of just reading this blog, get out there and act.

Bittersweet

"If I could fall / into the sky / do you think time / would pass me by?"

          It's hard to put into words, but sometimes as I'm walking along a road and I see a heavy raincloud or gold-tinted leaf, it feels like I'm in Brookline again, for just a moment. I flicker back and forth in my mind, trying to deceive myself that I am still in Brookline - that the shriveled desert shrubs are actually great maples and oaks, that the crunching of dusty pebbles under my flip-flops is in reality a blanket of crispy leaves, and the breeze smells not of pesticide and freshly-mowed lawns but of dew and pine and autumn. 

          Any second now we'll drive away in our old red car to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and watch the frost blur the windowpanes, etching 'hello's with our fingers to a random passerby. Maybe if we feel like it we'll climb that boulder in your backyard again, and use it as our home base for the next top secret mission. This time around, I'll take in the faded chalk lines - the ghosts of our last hopscotch rendezvous, the click of our rollerblades in each crack of pavement as we try out that new trick Amanda showed us yesterday... I'll imprint every vine of twining ivy up our brick walls, all our pet ladybugs hiding in the pine, every wafting aroma of apple pie into my heart... and hopefully this time goodbye won't be so bittersweet.

"You are here in my heart and / my heart will go on, and on"

Story of My Life

Stress. Mountains and mountains of stress.

Then, an occasional happiness.

They're the only reasons that I'm still alive.

Every time I'm drowning in sadness, I find a buoy I can catch my breath on, until I have to dive back in again, striving for that next buoy in the distance. We all encounter sharks and cruise ships and dolphins and oil spills, but somehow we still manage to swim on in the ocean of life with the thought of the next buoy. The next smile. The next laugh.

Such is the power of hope.

But what happens when that buoy isn't really a buoy? Do you have the faith to go on?

When you're surrounded by sharks, where do you get the strength and speed to escape?

What if that oil spill is choking you over? How do you rise to the surface of sanity?

Perhaps Dory from Finding Nemo says it best: 

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming..."

CAPS LOCKS ABUSE

BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE *AMUSING*

STOP AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

KKTHXBAI.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

ps) I'm aware that I don't hate you. My only point is, shut up before I scratch your face off.

The Tide Rises, the Tide Falls

Do you ever have those random sparks of nostalgia?

I just had one.

All of a sudden I'm back in Lauro again, reading this poem.

The Tide Rises, The Tide Falls

By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The tide rises, the tide falls

The twilight darkens, the curlew calls;

Along the sea-sands damp and brown

The traveler hastens toward the town,

And the tide rises, the tide falls.

Darkness settles on roofs and walls,

But the sea, the sea in darkness calls;

The little waves, with their soft, white hands

Efface the footprints in the sands,

And the tide rises, the tide falls.

The morning breaks; the steeds in their stalls

Stamp and neigh, as the hostler calls;

The day returns but nevermore

Returns the traveler to the shore.

And the tide rises, the tide falls.

This poem is one of the very few things that have stayed with me throughout the years... (who cares about intransitive verbs and subject pronouns?) Whenever I read it, I can't help but to stifle a shiver... it yanks at my heartstrings.

I don't know. I just thought I'd share it with you.

PS) Heartstrings is a cool word.

PPS) Haha nothing too deep today... :P